More Than A Fallen One
Why is it that hearing about someone else’s relatable pain and experiences often makes us feel our own hurt more acutely, but also can be a comfort to us?
Last night Brett and I attended our fourth night of DOCUTAH. It is a documentary film festival held every year in St. George, Utah, and this was our sixth year attending. Since the first year we went, in 2015, it has become our favorite recurring event in Southern Utah.
I have seen dozens of films that have touched me over the years. I have seen films about wars, immigration, depression, and mental illness. One year we saw a film about a family who came together to care for a family member with a terminal illness and it left us in tears. Many films were about situations I have never encountered, but they still pulled at my heartstrings and filled me with compassion. This week one touched me in a personal way.
“The Return of Elder Pingree” is the story of a man, Geoff Pingree, who travels back to Guatemala, where he served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) 25 years prior to making the film. He became inactive in his church not long after getting home from his mission and on his journey back he visited the towns where he taught and lived. He reconnected with many of the people he developed relationships with, some of whom he baptized. He had not been able to communicate with many of them in the years between his mission and his visit. In many cases, this was due to the lack of technology and resources to communicate in these rural towns and he had to ask the townspeople for information and track down those he had met and bonded with so many years before. It is interesting to hear of his worries and questions as he is first going out on his mission and how over time he really developed a love for the people he served and taught.
I did not serve a mission so I could not relate in this way, but I did step away from my religion as he did. His film was not about why he left his church and didn’t go into any detail on that aspect of his journey, but touched on his ongoing search for meaning and understanding of how this mission impacted his and others’ lives. The entire film remained respectful of the beliefs of the religion he was raised in and of the beliefs of those that he taught that had maintained their faith in the church.
His trip back was very honest and raw. He did not hold back in telling his friends he found that he no longer attended church — that was not his purpose in returning, but he didn’t hide that piece of himself that could potentially bring an end to some of those relationships.
Each time he told those he brought into the church of his departure from that church I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. The look on the faces of those friends are looks I have seen so many times since I left. While there was still love in their faces, you could see the disappointment and sadness they felt. Some of the comments that were said to him, even those said in love, were similar to things I heard and it brought back so many emotions for me.
Some of the things I was told:
“I am so sorry you have fallen away.”
“I will continue to pray for you, I know you will come back and be happy again.”
“Don’t you want to be with your family forever?”
“How did you lose your testimony?”
“What happened?”
“How will you raise moral children without the Gospel?”
“At least your children can grow up and decide for themselves to return to the church.”
“How could you do that to your parents?”
Brett and I have been called apostates, asked if we left because we wanted to drink alcohol and coffee, been told we can’t be truly happy outside of the church, and it has been inferred that we left because of laziness. I have been unfriended on social media by a number of my former friends from my past congregation, even though I have always tried to stay respectful and kind when it comes to differing religious beliefs. On visits back to our old town we have run into church friends and I saw a lot of the same emotions on their faces that Geoff Pingree saw when telling his friends that he no longer went to church. Early on it caused a lot of pain, but now it just causes me sadness.
Do I understand why they feel pain and sadness? YES! I have felt that when I was devout and had friends or family leave. I am actually grateful that I have experienced it from the other side and can feel empathy now on both sides.
Early on in my faith journey as my claim to “knowing” the answers to life and God turned to doubt and a new perspective on life and religion it was crushingly painful. I wanted it to be true. I wanted my life to play out the way I had been taught it would if I just followed all the teachings and rules, and I wanted the after-life that I had been promised. Even though I wasn’t sure if there was a God listening, I prayed to one for at least a couple of years afterward that it was true and that I would be able to return to the knowledge that I thought I once had. I remember once parking in front of the Mormon temple that I had been married in and sobbing in my car. I wanted the promises and life roadmap that had given me security for so many years, but after all my studying, pondering, praying, and deep personal evaluation, I couldn’t pretend or force myself to play along or go back to where I had been.
For about four years, although I had a close relationship with my parents, I would almost always take one of my children with me when I went to visit. I knew that my decisions hurt them and I didn’t want to be asked questions that would hurt them with my honest answers. I knew if I had one of my children with me the topic would not be brought up. They were always kind and accepting, but because I had been on the other side I knew they were praying for me and were devastated at my change of beliefs. Finally, four years after leaving, I had a quiet night alone with my mom and the topic came up organically and peacefully. I spilled my heart and told her of my journey and heartache and told her that I felt so much more peace and contentment in my life since I had left. Over those four years, I had gained more confidence in my parenting, my relationship with my husband, and my own abilities to navigate life. It didn’t happen right away, but once I got over the initial identity crisis from leaving my entire belief system of 36 years, I was finding out who I really was at my core. I was learning how to parent in an intuitive way instead of following the guidelines of a religious organization.
My mom’s response surprised me. Mostly, she listened. She asked a few questions. I talked for the good part of two hours while she nodded her head and offered responses of “hmmmm,” “I see,” and, “Okay.” She finally ended with an apology for not understanding what I had gone through for so many years for the turmoil I had felt over my doubts and questions. Best of all she said, “I am just so happy for you that you are at peace now. That’s what I want for you.”
This is similar to the loving response Geoff received at the final house he visited in Guatemala. I became so emotional that I wasn’t sure I could participate in the Q&A after the film because I didn’t want to cry in front of the strangers in the room. I did participate and I did cry and that is okay.
This film made me think about how we can all find happiness and peace with many different paths in life. I understand that the religion of my youth and much of my adulthood brings that to many people. I understand that being outside of organized religion is what others need. I really strongly feel that whether there is a God or not, the important thing is Love, Compassion, Empathy, and Kindness. You can find these character traits inside and outside of religion just as you can find judgment, ridicule, and even “evil” inside and out.
I have a friend group that includes four of us with very different religious beliefs. I am the agnostic one in the group. We have a Mormon, an inactive but partially believing Mormon, and a non-denominational Christian. We also all fall in very different places on the political spectrum. I love my friends and our differences and it brings me joy that these differences have created no barriers.
If we can allow people to feel their feelings and have their beliefs and not take it personally if it differs from our own, the world will be a more harmonious place.
Let people speak their truth. If someone posts on social media about their religious beliefs we don’t have to assume they are self-righteous or judgemental. Those that share their journey away from religion or their atheist or agnostic beliefs do not have to be labeled “lost” or “apostates.”
If you get a chance to see “The Return of Elder Pingree” and you are a religious person, try to understand the perspective of those whose journey has led them in another direction and the pain and discomfort they may have felt along the way. If you are not a religious person, or you are spiritual but don’t align with any organized religion, try to understand the strong beliefs and ideals that might make someone’s heartache for you, whether you think it is warranted or not.
We can bridge the divide with an effort of more understanding and acceptance and love.
